this is really shitty...

For a while I had been contemplating doing one of the whole body cleanses. I'd seen them in the store a million times, but was always too scared to try it. Then one day, hoping it would either help me lose weight or make me feel better, I committed to actually doing one.

My friend Walter had done one a while back (hi walter!) and said that in the process he lost a few pounds, but ultimately felt better. There was one drawback...the shits.

I think the prospect of non-stop shitting is what had me scared, but I said fuck it and purchased a two week kit from Whole Foods.

I was a genius and decided that I was going to start it the week before classes started this semester. It really could've been a bad decision, as we had a ton of workshops that week, but it worked out okay.

Basically, for two weeks you're taking a shitload of pills...huge pills at that. You're loaded up with fiber, laxatives, and milk thistle. After swallowing the first four pills, I had a task trying to swallow the two laxative horse pills. I thought immediately that there was no way I was going to finish the first day, much less the entire two weeks.

I finished my first day of pills and was very worried. For whatever reason, you have to take the laxatives at night and I was sure I was going to be up all night with the shits, but I wasn't. I honestly was expecting a miracle that first day and when it didn't happen I started to wonder what was wrong with my GI tract. Was I that backed up? No. I wasn't. Not too long after taking the morning pills for the second day the shits kicked in, and oh, did they kick in.

After a few days, I got used to swallowing the pills. I didn't get used to the shits.

I was shitting more in one week than I had shit in an entire month. I am not a regular person by other people's standards. You're lucky if I'm shitting twice a week. I'm sure it's not a good thing, but I don't like to pass my time on the toilet.

The noxious fumes that were coming out of my ass was my signal that the cleanse was going as it should. My boyfriend also noticed too. I had started to have uncontrollable gas and I'm sorry to report that when he tried to get in bed one day, I ripped one. He lifted back the covers to be assaulted by the end result of the cleanse. I swear I heard him tell the cat that "something crawled up momma's ass and died." I didn't feel too bad...I went back to sleep.

In all, I'd have to say that the shits weren't as uncontrollable as I thought they were going to be. The smell of my own shit and gas made ME sick. And I hate to say that two weeks turned into eleven days. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't lose any weight, but I felt great afterwards. The only lingering problem from this journey on the whole body cleanse is that the gas has stuck around. My boyfriend has started to wonder where my femininity went. I have started to wonder too.

I think next time I'll just do the one week cleanse...