The Hardest Part of My Job

For those of you who don't know, I work as a Nurse Tech on an Oncology Unit. Most people think that my job must be very depressing, and it is, but it is also not that bad at times. Our patients come from all walks of life. Some of our patients are in better shape than others and range from the newly diagnosed to those on their way out.

I like to think that I'm a very strong person and can handle almost anything thrown at me. When I hear someone is sick or something I immediately jump into "this is what we need to do"mode.

Hearing that someone has very little time left on this planet is a hard thing to hear, but a huge part of me wants to do everything in my power to make sure they are comfortable and have everything that they could need or want and then more. Watching patients die is not the hardest part of the job for me, it's their relatives who just can't accept that their loved one is going to die.

I have had several patients, whose relatives seem to think that their loved one is going to take a turn and get better and be able to go home. These are people who have had every measure taken to treat their cancer and nothing can be done except to make them as comfortable and pain free as possible.

It is very tough to see people think that their loved one is going to go home with them and be better so that they can do all the things they never got around to. I think that if I were in their place, I'd feel the same way.

I could sit for hours and hours on end with a patient who is dying from cancer and talk about their condition: how they found out they had cancer; what they have been through in their treatment; and just about damn near anything they'd want to talk about. However, being in the room with a patient and their relative in denial for more than 5 minutes makes my nerves bad. I just want to yell at them to accept it and make the most of the time they have together, even if it is in the hospital.

Up until Sunday night, I thought that relatives in denial had been the hardest part of my job, but I was wrong. We got a patient from ICU, who was very sick and on her way out. I was very careful and thoughtful when I was doing everything with this patient and just when I thought that was more than enough to respect this soul, something happened. While I was putting the pulse oximeter on her finger, she grabbed my fingers that were touching her hand and she held on tight. At that point I wanted to drop the oximeter, hold her hand and cry. I just wanted to let her know that it was okay to go, but it wasn't my place to do it. So, I held onto her hand for a couple of minutes and left the room. That is as hard as it has gotten and I know it will only get worse.

This job definitely puts life into perspective and makes you want to take every measure possible to prolong your own life. I know that I'm trying to...